Drink recipes: let me lay down the law on this, there are absolutely no more than three essential drink recipes that any real man needs - gin, vodka, whiskey. Beer is for pansy-ass frat boys, scotch is for college professors, and I don't wanna talk about Zima - Zima sucks like Christian rock.

But let's say you're drinking ... with Satan. And you need something that'll straighten Satan's curly pubes. Cause Satan's a mean drunk, and you need to lay him down fast. May I suggest a Deportee? Brewed in Beelzebub's jockstrap, served in a steaming broken skull, made with little bottles of straight shit I found in the back of my fridge.

Dig it:

• Half a shot of Schnapps.

• Three fingers of Chianti (preferably Classico, a russet-colored, meaty wine from a place called Black Rooster wines, a significantly badass name for a pretty refined wine)

• Three fingers Porto

• Two fingers Ouzo (Whatever brand, Agia, Epom, Giokarinis Samian, who cares? It's all lighter fluid made into a tasty syrup)

• Splash of Pernod (You can use the same amount as an aftershave)

• Shot of Vodka (You lose serious points for using some gaddam store bought brand like Albertson's or Safeway vodka. No real man drinks those. Drunks drink those. Bums drink those. Railroad-borne hobos waft on breezes of Food Giant store brand vodka. Same goes for Popov, lily livered pretender. Only points go to Stolichnaya, for being damn hard to pronounce when drunk (and therefore manly if you do), and Smirnoff, best vodka in the world, clearly because of its anti-Smirn qualities)

• Splash of Sambuca

• Three fingers Gin

• Shot of Whiskey

• Three fingers Rum

• Fruit Juice ("What? Fruit juice?" you ask, "What, are we all gay dandy finger-bending tea-sipping Southern Gothic misses and madams? Do we drink girl drinks? What's next? Chocolate Pussy Cat? Ginger Beer Martinis? Art thou mad?" Yeah, shut up, you Muthas. Trust me. Your personal choice of fuit juice is your own selection, as is the quantity - I guarantee it doesn't affect the alcohol contect in any way. I personally prefer pear syrup, on accounta it mixes nicely with the somewhat burned taste of the Sambuca, Pernod and Chianti)

Makes several servings. Or it should, anyway. Boom. Stand back. Depending on the amount of fruit juice you add, this thing might be flammable. Nothing cooler than a big drink fulla FIRE, but remember - that greedy flame is lapping up your alcohol content. Don't let it get ahead of you.