According to scholars, New Year's is the oldest of all holidays, starting with a celebration first observed in ancient Babylon some 4000 years ago, and ending in the first drunk driving fatality known to mankind. Accordingly, the Tigris-Euphrates PTA organized the first Mothers Against Drunk Driving meeting 3999 years ago.

Thus beginneth the tradition of over-drinking. Americans started equating New Year's with the symbol of a baby when German settlers brought the image with them to the New World. The Germans had used the traditional New Year's Baby since the fourteenth century. At the end of the year, the baby turns into an old man. Then he gets sent to the camps.

Plus, Westerners make a big deal out of making life-altering resolutions at the beginning of each New Year. This may be a call back to ancient Pagan rituals which symbolized the coming of the New Year with the rebirth of the hedon god Dionysus. Therefore resolutions are tied into the rebirth of the spiritual world through changes in the physical realm, and are used to symbolize the refreshing of the soul. Or, it could also be that Americans eat too many gaddam cheeseburgers and have big fat asses. One of the two.